I regularly said ‘F it’ because I was miserable and drinking would put a plaster over my pain. Or so I thought.
Until I was hanging on shift with beer fear, smelling like the five glasses of shite cab sav I downed in a bid to forget the trauma I felt I had suffered at work.
My hangover would then heighten my emotions and lead to more despair and misery, driving me to push the button again the following day. And now we find ourselves in a pattern of short term reward craving which to be quite frank is a ROLLERCOASTER.
Stressed/drunk/happy/drunk/sad/tired/hungover/stressed/drunk/happy so on and so forth.
Now don’t get me wrong, my job was difficult and demanding from many angles, but my behaviour did not improve the situation.
At this point, I would say (with hindsight on side) that I was self-medicating and in complete despair. I could not see the bigger picture or get any perspective on my life as I was just trying to make it through a shift to get to the pub, to slag off the shift to then repeat the cycle.
What was I gaining from pushing that button? How much stress was I under? What drove me to drink myself to sleep?
Pushing that button tells me I could not cope with my reality. I did not want to see the bigger picture probably because I didn’t like what I was living in.
I am so certain I am not the only person who has gone through this ‘F it’ stage in their life or maybe feeling this as they read. So many examples run through my mind; ways I can try to excuse myself with ‘giving into peer pressure’ or ‘they bought it for me’ or ‘it was on the house I couldn’t say no’. But I knew exactly what I was doing.
When we feel things like stress and anxiety it is our body’s way of telling us we are in danger and we MUST listen.
Saying ‘F it’ means we are giving up and not dealing with our pain – we are trying to hide it with wine and in my case loud, brash behaviour, which I am actually glad I can’t remember. No good came from me saying ‘F it’ ever.